I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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