Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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