Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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