Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
