No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
