I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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