You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Is it because I queefed?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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