If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
