All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
