Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize