she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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