i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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