Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
