I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
