I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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