I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
