Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
