does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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