Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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