fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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