Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
