I heard we made out
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
