She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
