I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
