No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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