I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
