is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
