my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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