I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
