making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
