dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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