He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
