we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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