At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
