im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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