my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
