She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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