k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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