He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize