Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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