All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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