If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
