tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
