Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Did I show you my penis last night?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
