I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
