Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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