it's too hot outside to masturbate.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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