he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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