My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
