So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
