12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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