We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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