did you get engaged???
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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