First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Can I color on your dick again?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Randomize
