I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
