During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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