he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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