call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
