At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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