please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
