I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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