Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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