areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
