The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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