just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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