Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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