The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
